“If I stayed here, something inside me would be lost forever—something I couldn’t afford to lose. It was like a vague dream, a burning, unfulfilled desire. The kind of dream people have only when they’re seventeen.”
It’s not always easy to go away, and that’s okay. But I have this unfulfilled desire in me to keep moving, exploring, failing and finding. I cannot bury it in the ground and settle for a little bit less, or at least not yet.
I can tell you that there is a big difference between deciding to leave and knowing where to go. Right now I decided to leave and although I am not sure where to go, a flight to Mexico seems like a brilliant start.
I am going to pack my stuff, sell all my clothes that do not fit in the suitcase on a second-hand market, give away my books, drink the last huge coffee in the digital eatery and say goodbye to the cold and grey Berlin. I am going to spin on Soda’s dancefloor to the sound of salsa for the last time and shed a tear after selling my red bike, Charlotte.
I need to make my hometown the first stop because Christmas is coming and there is this melancholy hanging in the air, as if everybody suddenly has remembered they have nowhere to go. I am used to leaving, although I am not so good in waving goodbyes. I prefer to disappear quietly, like the morning breeze that gives up to the midday heat.
I feel safe having my backpack and laptop with me, I know I can read as much as I want and write as much as I need. The familiar goose bumps provoked by excitement of being alone in the airport will come again. I’ll swing to the rhythm of the music in my head and slowly move toward the security checks. Bag with liquids, computer, my favourite jacket go all on the black band. I walk through the metal door. I pick up my stuff, grab some chocolate from the tasting stand in the duty-free store and search for a cosy corner to wait for the boarding. I smile to the adventure in front of me. I am pretty sure it smiles back.
I am going on an artistic retreat, let’s call it this way. I knew I did not want to keep going the way I was going so I simply quit. I left my job in Berlin, I sold my stuff again and I am jumping off the edge, light and free, with no commitments and no obligations on my back. I will take my time to think, create, write, read, paint, start new side projects and continue the ones I already have. I will pursue my dream of acting as much as possible and grant myself the time I need to grow in this field.
It’s been five years of studying, working a lot (sometimes a lot like a lot), learning bunch of useful things, but that’s enough for now. I can leave the world of technology, fast-paced start-ups, IT and fancy words such as prop-tech and agility, and I am quite confident that it will continue existing without me. I can always go back if necessary, but for now it will have to do without my contribution. I am out of full-time jobs, out of writing scientific papers, facing technological challenges, and so much out of networking events. You cannot imagine how much I love the fact that I am able to do that right now.
Once in a while it really hits people that they don’t have to experience the world in the way they have been told to. – Alan Keightley
So I am quitting all of these things in order to do what actually? Well, first of all in order to travel freely, meet new people and see new places, climb more mountains, walk through new streets, read and write. I am quitting in order to pursue my plan of becoming an actress as full-time as possible. I am quitting to win TIME that I can consciously invest in what I believe makes sense. If it were a romantic movie, I could just say that ‘I am following my heart’. 😉
If after a year I will come to a conclusion that it was an absolute failure, I can always come back to the tech world, I am pretty sure it will still be there.
But for now, goodbye rainy Berlin, thank you for treating me so well, thank you Salsa community for making me move so much, thank you all the strangest people who have crossed my way here and brought so much inspiration.
Take care my dear Berlin, and stay warm, if possible.